In this week’s edition, I am discussing hard conversations. I am offering an outline for approaching a hard conversation from a factual vantage point. Hard conversations can be about anything, but most of the time they are about a conflict you experienced with them, a miscommunication, or it could be something that you’re dealing with that perhaps they are unaware of altogether and vice versa. When I think of hard conversations, my brain often goes to setting boundaries, which I will go into in another article. But there can be more to it than what’s ok and what’s not ok. There are many factors that contribute to what affects us.
The Facts Conversation
There are two perspectives in a hard conversation: my point of view (or me), and their point of view (or them). These are questions to help you to investigate and prepare. These questions are based on what happened.
Me
- Story – what story am I telling myself about what happened in the situation that brought about wanting to have this hard conversation in the first place? What am I adding to the story or assuming?
- Contribution – what did I contribute to the situation? Is there some unconscious bias contributing to what happened? What was my mood like? How did I respond to the other person that might have affected them?
- Impact – what was the impact on me? What did I lose? Did what I say / how I said it hurt the other person?
- Intention – what was my intention to say what I said? Do I need to be more conscious of how I say things, or change the way I say things? How can I clarify what I am saying and even say it more clearly next time?
Them
- Story – what story are they telling themselves about what happened in the situation? What might they be assuming?
- Contribution – what did they contribute to the situation? What made you respond or react the way you did? What mood were they in? What could have happened before this moment that could be contributing to their response or reaction?
- Impact – what was the impact on them? What stakes do they have in this situation? Do they have anything to lose?
- Intention – what was their intention in the situation? Do you believe they had good intentions?
Conclusion
The way we frame how we think about what actually happened and seeing the other person with compassion creates space for there to be a productive conversation so that both parties can grow, build trust, and ultimately be better communicators in another heated moment.